By Dr. Jenn Mann

Practising psychology out of my office in the affluent city of Beverly Hills, you may imagine that I see many children that have been spoiled. While that is true, I have discovered that money had very little to do with it.

I have seen families with ex-traditional amounts of money that have unspoiled children and families with money problems who are difficult and entitled. One thing that unifies all of these parents, however, is that none of them set out to create a monster who believes that his or her every desire should be met, and in a timely fashion.

The majority of these well-meaning parents just want their children to have the advantages that they never had and save them from pain. While that is a noble cause, the disappointment, frustration and pain, from delaying gratification is part of one’s lessons which help to build character and moral and ethical values along with qualities like patience, determination and adaptability.

Children who are spared the ordinary difficulties of day-to-day life end up with emotional disadvantages. In fact, spoiling your child is more dangerous for their well being than you might imagine.

According to a nationwide study of over one thousand families, girls who describe themselves as very spoiled are three times as likely to have driven drunk and twice as likely to have had smoked marijuana. They are also at high risk of poor grades, bulimia, smoking and cheating on tests and skipping school.

According to that same study, boys who considered themselves spoiled were found to be at a higher risk of behavioural problems like lying, cheating, anxiety, depression, skipping school, underachieving academically, musing creatine or steroids and drink driving. In order to raise children with self-worth is not based on the brand of jeans they wear, here are eight important things every parent should understand in order to raise down to earth children.

1. You Cannot Spoil A Child With Too Much Love:

Giving your child attention, love and affection do not create a bratty child, Giving your every child every material object they desire does.

2. Tending To A Baby’s Needs Creates Secure Attachment, Not A Brat:

In my own practice, I frequently get calls from new mothers who have been told by some well-meaning relative or childcare provider that they shouldn’t pick up their crying infant because it will spoil him or her. That is simply not true.

Studies have shown that babies who are responded to more quickly and held more often tend to cry less and the parents are faster at reading their baby’s cues. This results in more securely attached babies,

3. Give Your Child Rules And Boundaries To Live By:

Giving your child rules shows them you care about their well being and safety. Imagine living in a world where there were no laws; it would be chaotic and scary.

Children need boundaries to feel safe. Without rules to live by and the ability to follow the “laws” of the family, children grow up to be disrespectful and believe it is permissible to behave however they choose.

4. Be Consistent With Punishment And Follow Through:

When children know the consequences of their actions, they make better behaviour decisions. Many parents want to be their child’s friend and as a result, have a hard time following through on punishments they set.

To be consistent with consequences is a very important lesson to teach your child. Without that, children have no reason to be respectful towards you, much less be law-abiding citizens when they are older.

5. Give Your Child Something To Work Towards:

Even if you can afford to give your child everything they want, you should not. Give your child something to work towards.

The children that I have seen who have been given everything they want, never learn the value of a dollar, grow up to have a poor work ethic and are often depressed. These children feel there is no reason to have goals or even work because they can always ask mum or dad to give them what they want.

6. Don’t Always Rescue Your Child:

This is the hardest parenting skill to learn. We all want to spare our children pain and give them the best that life has to offer but pain teaches kids about life.

While undue suffering is not the goal, emotional pain teaches empathy and should not be avoided. Trying to protect all children from pain usually backfires and the children become avoidant and are poorly equipped to handle life’s challenges.

7. Help Your Child To Find Meaning And Focus:

Studies have shown that people who do volunteer work, it increases self-esteem and a sense of self-efficacy. Helping others can empower your children by showing them that they can make a difference in the world, while at the same time showing them that not everyone lives like they do or have all of the advantages that they have.

In addition, children can benefit from finding activities that they enjoy and in which they can excel. When children participate in an activity they love, they get into a psychological state called flow.

This is a state of mind when we are devoid of self-consciousness when we are unaware of time passing, energy flows, effortlessly, and we are at peace with what we are doing. Children who experience this are likely to continue to seek it out in other healthy places throughout their lives.

8. Eating Dinner Together:

Psychologist and author Dan Kildon found that eating dinner together was like a vaccination against behavioural problems with children. According to Kildon, children who eat dinner with their families at least a few times per week tend to be less depressed, be less permissive about sex, are less likely to use drugs, and are more likely to achieve well academically.

By Dr. Jenn Mann

More than ever, people realise the importance of spending time with their families. But the realities of life have not changed.

More than 50% of households have two working parents, household chores are still endless, bosses remain demanding and normal work-weeks have grown to 50-plus-hours. So, how do we find time for our families?

Here are seven suggestions:

1. Where Did The Time Go:

Limit the use of things that gobble up time. Try to cut back on your use of the internet and watching television.

It is misleading to think of TV time as family time. You probably are groaning right now but each hour online or in front of the television is one less you spend interacting with your family.

2. Spend Time Together:

The best family time often is simply spending time together. For example, many parents and children look forward to a bedtime story.

According to one busy father, “we have given up a lot of evening activities we enjoy in order to put our children to bed. My wife reads a story to our son, and I read one to our daughter.”

3. Fun And Games:

Many parents find that they are able to turn household chores into fun games with their young children. Better, a single mum, recalls doing this with her son Jared.

“We sorted the laundry together, took out the trash, did all sorts of housework together. Everything was an event which we turned into something fun,” she explained.

4. One On One Time:

Set aside time each day when your children know they have your undivided attention. This gives them structure and assures them they will be heard.

Cynthia, a successful make-up artist, spends the first half-hour when she gets home talking with her three-year-old son. We talk about his day, what he liked about it and what he didn’t like about it. Now he asks me,”how was your day mum?”

5. It’s Not Just Food:

Many families find it helpful to have a consistent dinner time, where everyone attends. It is estimated that fewer than 50% of families eat together every night.

To make this happen, families must stop other activities (phone calls, emails etc.) during dinner. One working mum says, “we eat dinner at 6 pm year-around.” This was important when the kids were young as well as through their teenage years.

6. Vacations:

Give your family something to look forward to. Travelling together is exciting for children and gives families time to unwind together.

Plan family vacations and weekends away. If money is an issue, save up air miles or visit a relative.

7. New Year Resolutions:

This year, my husband and I made family resolutions to get out of work early Friday nights, attend religious services at least once a month and commit Friday night to family time. We have found that these commitments have deepened our bond.

Copyright, Dr. Jenn Mann. Read all about her here.

By Sam Makhoul

Family life is very important to our wellness and work performance. Try being effective at work if you show up with family burdens on your shoulders, if your children are sick or out of control, or if you and your partner are arguing at home.

The biggest lie that most busy people tell themselves is that one day they will make enough money, slow down and have time for their family. The truth is that no one can ever be successful in life or business if they do not have the support and love of their family.

Have you ever noticed how the best and most successful athletes in the world always have their family in the crowd watching? Why?

It’s because the unconditional love and support of our family give us the courage to do and try anything without fearing failure and this is critical to our sense of security and order. The challenge of modern-day living has brought dysfunction into family life.

In some cases, family life has become toxic and a source of emotional stress and anxiety. Parents are struggling with pressure at work, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, financial pressure from over-consumption, and too much exposure to digital and social media.

Unique Challenges To Raising A 21st Century Family:

• Feeling rushed with no time to communicate effectively.
• Feeling confused about what parenting tools to use.
• Over-parenting to compensate.
• Projecting what we want onto our children instead of honouring their uniqueness.
• Using fear and guilt to get them to cooperate. For example, did you know that “scaring” our children into eating well or making them feel guilty for eating junk food does more emotional harm than physical good?

These challenges have brought dysfunction into families; in some cases, family life has become toxic and a source of emotional stress and anxiety. As a result, the family unit is breaking down, the emotional bond between parents and children is now rare and children cannot wait to “grow up” and “leave home”.

18 Practical Tips You Can Use To Change Your Family Dynamic:

1. Remove the TV from living areas.
2. Do not use technology and television to keep your kids occupied. This is tantamount to neglect, that’s the hard truth. The damage of over-exposure to technology presents more harm than smoking.
3. Put phones and tablets on charge and out of hands 90 minutes before bedtime.
4. Don’t structure their play. Structure is a prison for the creative mind; innovators of the future think in a non-linear way.
5. Teach them to swim.
6. Allow them to get messy sometimes.
7. Help them play dress-ups.
8. Read to them and let them read to you.
9. Share a hobby as they get older. This will keep you feeling connected.
10. Have one-on-one alone time with each child once a week.
11. Encourage them to ask questions. Asking questions without fear of ridicule is absolutely essential to keep their sense of curiosity.
12. Go on school excursions with them as a guest parent. They will love it and research shows that children feel more confident at school when they see their parents there.
13. Show them how to save money. This is an essential life skill that you need to lead by example; break your addiction to retail therapy.
14. Get them to do chores around the house. This gives them a sense of self-worth. Praise them for completing the task but do not accept mediocrity either. If you want a certain standard, do the chore with them and show them that standard. They will know for next time.
15. Visit grandparents and relatives together.
16. Get them to help you cook.
17. Spend time on Sunday nights and take turns to talk about what you did last week and/or what you’re going to do next week.
18. Ask them daily: “What are you happy about?” “What are you excited about?” Ask yourself the same questions!