By Dr Guy Winch

Oliver and Jaymee had been together for 20 years and were the parents of two tweens. The first issue they brought up in couples therapy was a common one.

Jaymee always “collapsed at 9:30 and went to bed”, leaving Oliver alone in the living room. “I’m finally ready to start my evening and he’s already asleep,” Oliver complained.

“I can’t help it,” Jaymee countered, “I’m just exhausted. I beg Oliver to shift his sleeping patterns but he refuses. It’s like he’s avoiding being in bed with me.” “That’s exactly how I feel!” Oliver objected. 

Many couples don’t go to bed at the same time. Some people are night owls who thrive at night and some are morning larks who are most energetic in the morning, and it is those preferences that most determine a couples’ co-sleeping patterns, also known as dyadic sleep patterns.

How synced a couples’ bedtime is can have a significant impact on their relationship but contrary to common assumptions, these effects can be both negative and positive and are often a mix of both. On the pro side of syncing sleep times, some people simply love to fall asleep while in an embrace because they find it physically comforting.

To others, having the same sleep time represents their relationship is in a good place. Being in the bed alone makes them feel anxious because they associate their partner’s absence as a sign of conflict or avoidance, reflecting relationship tension.

While that might be the case at times—and probably is when a partner who usually goes to bed at the same time chooses not to do so following an argument or with little explanation—feeling unsettled when our partner stays up late when there are no current tensions in the relationship can be a sign of a deeper psychological issue.

Studies have linked these kinds of anxious feelings to a person’s attachment – how one’s experience with caregivers in earlier life impacts our expectations regarding our adult partners’ ability to be consistently warm, nurturing, and responsive to our needs. Insecure attachment can cause us to feel anxious when our partner is present and to require more reassurance from them than the circumstances might suggest.

Attachment issues aside, for many couples separate bedtimes are the norm and bare no reflection of the state of their relationship. Other than a person’s circadian preferences, our sleep habits are often just that—habits we develop for a variety of different reasons.

In most cases, separate sleep times are simply the result of trying to manage our sleep, such as when one member of a couple snores, has a restless leg or makes frequent nighttime trips to the bathroom, or when a person has insomnia and they find it easier to fall asleep when they are alone in the bed. And given how important sleep is for health, mental health, and general cognitive functioning, making sleep a priority is a sound and important consideration.

Having separate sleep times can have other advantages. Some people value their alone time and being up when their partner is sleeping is their only way of getting it, and couples with younger children can rotate child care in order to divide parenting responsibilities more equally.

That said when a couple has different sleep schedules they do need to consider how it impacts their relationship and discuss ways to address any issues that might ensue from their discordant bedtimes.

10 Questions To Consider When Partners Have Different Bedtimes:

Each member of the couple should note which topics they would like to discuss. Start with the topics you both chose, then take turns discussing the ones only one of you chose:

1. Do you need to find other times to talk and connect if you typically do so when you’re both in bed (and awake)?
2. Do you need to find other times to have sex if you’re used to having it before bed?
3. Should you consider spending an hour cuddling on the sofa before the lark collapses and leaves the owl by themselves?
4. Are there other ways to find alone time so that your sleep schedules can be better synced?
5. Do you need to get your kids to bed earlier so you have more time together before exhaustion takes over?
6. Do you need to find alternative times to watch your favourite shows together?
7. Should you schedule daytime naps on the weekend to allow for an intimate (or sexual) relaxed time in bed together?
8. Do you need to communicate more clearly about your reasons for staying up later or going to bed earlier?
9. Does one or both of you snore and need to consult a doctor for sleep apnea?
10. Does one or both of you need to improve your sleep hygiene and go to bed at a consistent time every night and wake up at a consistent time every morning?

Differences in bedtimes can be managed but it takes communication to set mutual expectations and problem-solve issues that arise when couples are unable to both unwind and relax together before they go to bed. Set a time to talk and work together to get yourselves on the same page.

Dr Guy Winch had all couples nodding in agreement and completely surprised by the simplicity of the complaint sandwich and small bids at the 2019 Upgrade Your Life event.  Re-live every moment of that talk below. 

By Sam Makhoul

Should we fast from sex and other pleasures?

Before I get into the science of why we should, I want to make one observation about the lies we have been fed by most experts. The experts who peddle the idea that if you are not having sex with your partner two to five times per week then there must be something wrong with the relationship.

Trashy magazines thrive on this message, as much as personal trainers thrive on the message you need to work out in one-hour intervals. Both are simply not true; both create a state of fear and guilt. 

So much has been written in recent years about the benefits of intermittent food fasting. Research shows that fasting puts us into a state of autophagy.

Put simply, it means the body goes into a self-cleaning mode, which boosts the immune system and slows down ageing. It begs the question; does fasting from sex and other pleasures also have health benefits?

Yes, it does. In fact, it is so much more powerful because fasting from pleasures impacts our mental and emotional health in a profound way.

Fasting from pleasurable things short-circuits our tendency to lose appreciation for them. Psychologists call this tendency, hedonic adaptation — the idea that no matter how good something makes us feel, over time we take it for granted and lose the thrill.

We return to an emotional baseline, even after the most exciting of purchases, like a new car or a new house. The problem is that this baseline is shifting.

Why? Because we live in an era of extreme affluence where money and technology are making pleasurable things so accessible.

Relationships are only a swipe away, so too is our favourite restaurant. Luxury cars, fine foods, bags, shoes, computers, phones; the list of comforts and pleasures is growing year on year and yet, people are unhappier than ever.

Depression is skyrocketing. It makes no sense, right? 

Hedonic adaptation also works for us during periods of war and economic hardship because it forces us to appreciate what we have and returns us to our baseline. But during periods of affluence, it works against us.

We lose appreciation for everyday comforts, food, people and sex. People who stray in a relationship are a product of hedonic adaptation.

They lose the thrill and go chasing it elsewhere. People who binge on food, alcohol, gambling or even drugs are chasing to fill that same emotional gap.

Therefore, the enemy is not a hedonic adaptation. It is a useful evolutionary survival mechanism, much in the same way the fight or flight mechanism is.

The enemy is hedonism itself and the lack of control we have over our appetites. Psychologists use two tools to manage hedonic adaptation.

And I will add a third one. Fasting.

The first technique involves practising gratitude, which is familiar to most; to be mindful and appreciative of all that you have. To give thanks.

How does this help? I think only marginally.

This might be a provocative and controversial position I am taking. You see, I believe that being grateful only gives us a temporary (even fleeting) positive state before we gorge on that huge cone of chocolate ice cream or, buy that next pair of shoes that we do not need but is “oh so necessary because it is in a different shade of blue” to the one we already own.

So I ask you. Is it ok to over-indulge just because we are grateful for it?

Not in my books, because being mindful enough to stop and feel grateful for an over-indulgence does not make it less of an indulgence. And it does not teach self-control.

The second technique is to practice variety. Try a different routine.

Eat vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate, try a new sex position or read a book together instead of watching TV, go to a different holiday destination, or try a macchiato instead of a cappuccino. It is arguable that this technique, if not practised correctly, can make matters worse by feeding our hedonistic tendencies.

So, you buy a Chanel bag instead of an LV one. That’s a variety for you!

It is still an over-indulgence. And again, it does nothing for our self-control.  

Which brings us to fasting. This is much more effective because it directly strengthens our ability to control our appetite for all manner of desires and pleasures.

It goes deeper than practising variety and forces us into a state of gratefulness. It is no coincidence that all major world religions practice some form of fasting.

And not just from food. How do you practice fasting? Simply abstain and practice moderation from all of your favourite things.

Activity: What Is Your List Of Fasting Favourites? 

List all the things that you absolutely love to do. The more you love them the more you should want to protect them. Because the more you fast from them, the more you will appreciate and savour them. 

If you love working, you need to practice abstention by taking regular breaks from work.  My performance is off the charts when I return from holidays.

Do you love dark chocolate? Indulge occasionally in small portions. You should see my face when I am savouring every molecule of chocolate after a month of abstention. My wife says it is priceless.

Some of my favourite things that I regularly fast from include: a fine dining restaurant, wine (esp. Yarra Valley Pinot Noir), Macallan scotch whisky, driving a convertible (any), Italian cheese and bread, drinking TWG teas, listening to my favourite music (currently The Weeknd), watching my favourite TV shows.

Remember that fasting is completely relative depending on what it is. So when I say that I fast from my favourite tea, it does not mean I go without for days.

I simply have one cup per day in the afternoon as a special treat, instead of opting for that bottomless cup.

I’d love to hear your list of favourites and how you would fast from them. Head to our Facebook page and share them with us.

By Dr. Jenn Mann

There are a lot of opinions out there about what makes a marriage work. Myths and misconceptions abound. Here are ten rules you should consider breaking.

1. Never Go To Sleep Angry:

Actually, you probably should go to sleep angry. Things become a whole lot clearer after a good nights sleep.

Staying up and trying to convince your spouse of your perspective when you are angry makes it more likely that you will say things you will regret. Make an agreement to talk about it in the morning.

2. The Kids Always Come First:

Your relationship with your partner is the emotional foundation for your entire family. Your children count on you not only to demonstrate a healthy relationship but also to provide them with the safety and security they need to create their own healthy attachments as they get older.

3. Your Partner Should Love Unconditionally:

Unconditional love does not exist beyond the parent-child relationship. We earn love from our spouse and they earn it from us.

This is not to say that we always have to be perfect. Ideally, we have enough in the love bank to weather those times where we don’t behave as we should. 

4. Fighting Is A Sign Of A Bad Marriage:

According to Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the most important predictor of the success or failure of a marriage is the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. According to Gottman, there must be five positive interactions for every negative one.

5. Always Be 100% Honest:

Let’s be real. You don’t want to know if those jeans make your butt look big, or which one of your friends he would like to sleep with if he could.

He shouldn’t answer those questions honestly and neither should you. It is more important to be a kind and loving spouse than to share the intimate details of a previous relationship.

6. Our Partner Should Always Be Attracted To Us:

I got a call the other day on my radio show from a woman who was upset because her husband said that he was no longer attracted to her. When I probed further, she revealed that she had gained 100 pounds.

We owe it to ourselves to live a healthy life, but we also owe it to our spouse. If you don’t love yourself enough to take care of yourself, why should he?

7. Date Night Should Be A Big Romantic Evening: 

Most couples think a date together has to be an elaborate expensive evening, but that misses the true intention of the event. Date night is about reconnecting and being together, not trying to impress your spouse. 

8. Your Spouse Should Be Your Whole Life:

Somewhere between dependency and neglect lies interdependency. One person cannot fulfil your every need. We have different people in our lives to fulfil different needs—girlfriends for gossip and mum for shoe shopping, for example.

Expecting your spouse to be everything to you puts unnecessary pressure on him. Have separate adventures and report back what happened during your day.

9. Couples In Therapy Are Headed For Divorce:

Most couples could benefit from learning communications tools. Also, having a third party in the room can make spouses behave more calmly then they do at home, which can lead to the resolution of conflicts. Marriage counselling can give you a better understanding of one another and a safe forum to work through issues you are experiencing.

10. Being Unhappy In Your Marriage Means You Should Leave:

Marriages that last for many decades go through ups and downs. If you are lucky enough to stay married that long, you will probably fall in and out of love many times. Marriages that last do so because both spouses work hard at it and are willing to stick it out and work through difficult times.

Read about Dr. Jenn Mann here.

By Dr Guy Winch

The emotional pain that heartbreak evokes is excruciating. Nothing else matters, no one else matters.

We can barely function, think, or move. We feel removed from everyone and alone in a haze of unreality, trapped in our shattered world.

All we can see is the person who broke our heart and all we can feel is terrible pain. In his famous TED talk, which has gone viral, renowned New York Psychologist and faculty member, Dr Guy Winch, stunned everyone when he explained that we cannot trust our mind when we have a broken heart.

What we want most is for the pain to ease, to stop hurting so badly — but that is not what our mind wants. In this article, he shares the five ways your mind tricks you after a break-up.

5 Ways Your Mind Tricks You After A Break-Up:

To stop hurting, we need to reduce the amount of time we spend thinking about the person who broke our heart. We need to diminish their presence in our thoughts and our lives, slowly but surely.

Our mind wants to do the opposite. Our mind wants us to think about the person all the time, to hold on to the pain and never forget who and what caused it.

Our mind wants this because it is trying to protect us in the manner in which it typically does. If something causes us pain, like a hot stove, our mind’s job is to remind us not to touch that hot stove again, to make sure we remember how painful it was the first time.

The more painful the experience, the more our mind will labour to make sure we don’t forget it, so we never make that mistake again. Given how excruciating heartbreak is, our mind will do everything it can to keep that pain fresh in our thoughts.

As a result, our mind will trick us into thinking that…

1. Our Ex Was The Best, The One, The Only One:

Our mind will try to remind us of our ex’s best qualities. Images of them at their best will pop into our head unbidden. However, this unbalanced, unrealistic, and idealised portrayal of the person who broke our heart will only make the pain we feel worse.

2. The Relationship Made Us Happy All The Time:

No, it didn’t; no relationship does. There were plenty of frustrating, annoying, or hurtful moments, and we should recall those as well.

3. If We Just Text Them Or Contact Them, We Will Feel Better:

The urge to text, message, call, or email will be very strong. But doing those things will only make us feel more desperate and needy, and hurt our self-esteem.

4. Talking About The Breakup With All Our Friends Will Ease Our Pain:

No, it won’t. Talking about emotionally painful events is natural — even useful, if we do it in a problem-solving way or if we do it to get emotional validation. But just going over the same details, again and again, will only make us feel worse.

5. We Have To Know Exactly Why The Breakup Occurred.

Having a clear understanding of why a breakup occurred is actually useful. However, few of us ever get a clear and honest explanation for such things. Trying to get into our ex’s head to understand why things didn’t work out is a rabbit hole. Better to settle on “they weren’t in love enough” or “we were not the right match.”

Watch Dr Guy Winch TED Talk:

About Guy Winch:

Dr Guy Winch, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, keynote speaker and author. His many books including latest How to Mend A Broken Heart have been translated into twenty languages and his TED Talk Why We All Need to Practice Emotional First Aid has been rated among the top five most inspirational TED Talks of all time on ted.com. He received his doctorate in clinical psychology from New York University in 1991 and completed a postdoctoral fellowship in family and couples therapy at NYU Medical Centre.

By Dr. Guy Winch

When couples go to therapy to work on their relationship and present their problems, the therapist usually asks when these issues began. More often than not, couples can trace the seeds of the problem(s) to their earliest dating days.

They might not have had big fights about the issue at that time, but it was likely a tension point that one or both of them had already noted. The question is, why is this so?

After all, if there was something problematic going on earlier in the relationship, why wasn’t it addressed or worked out at that time? There are a number of reasons couples fail to address important issues that arise in the early stages of their relationship.

1. First, when we’re first falling in love, we are less likely to be bothered by certain issues than we are once the spell of infatuation wears off.
2. Second, once we become emotionally invested in our partner and motivated to see the relationship succeed, we may be hesitant to raise issues that might cause conflict and/or highlight differences between us.
3. Lastly, we often let too many bothersome things go in the initial stages of a relationship because we are unaware of a fundamental truth about relationships.

Relationship dynamics are like concrete. They can be shaped when the concrete is still fresh but they quickly become rigid and hard to mould.

In other words; the expectations we set early on in a relationship, the give and take, the roles we step into, the habits we accept, the rhythm of our day to day quickly set. Once they do, they become far more difficult to change.

When problematic issues arise in the earliest stages of the relationship and are not addressed, there may be an unspoken assumption that whatever has happened is acceptable to both members of the couple. Bill and Grace, a couple I recently worked with, are a great example of this principle.

Bill was 12 minutes late for their first date. He did not text Grace to give her the heads up or apologise when he arrived.

Since he arrived slightly out of breath and looked as though he had rushed, Grace did not comment on the lateness. By not doing so, what she communicated to Bill was that she would accept his lateness and that he would not even have to apologise for it.

Bill was then only seven minutes late to their second date, which Grace overlooked as he was “clearly improving” (Grace’s words). But that dynamic helped to create an expectation that Bill does not have to be on time.

I have worked with many couples in which lateness is an issue and in almost all cases, it reared its head very early in the relationship. When it did, the partner left waiting did not make it an issue.

When I ask why they did not speak up, the answer is usually some form of, “I didn’t want to ruin the date,” or “I didn’t want to start a fight,” or “it was only a few minutes.”

While those are valid concerns, what we neglect to anticipate is that by not bringing it up we are setting ourselves up for more of the behaviour we find objectionable going forward, whatever it is.

How To Set Correct Limits Early In The Relationship:

In order to prevent behaviours we don’t like from becoming a common feature in our relationships, we need to notice them and address them as early as possible in a manner that brings attention to the issue without causing a conflict that might derail the budding relationship. Here are some guidelines:

1. When The Behaviour We Don’t Like Is Mild:

We need to find casual ways to comment on it such that it doesn’t ruin the date or alienate the other person. A casual reference subtly communicates that the behaviour was not one we find acceptable. For example asking, “Was there a lot of traffic?”

2. If The Behaviour Is More Egregious:

The intensity of our messaging needs to match the level of concern that the specific behaviour evokes in us. For example, if during our first argument our partner resorts to name-calling or put-downs and we don’t make it absolutely clear we will not tolerate being spoken to in that manner, name-calling and put-downs are likely to persist and even increase.

Therefore, we have to be more declarative in communicating our concern about such behaviours and insist our partner find other ways to express their frustrations without dismissive, rude or insulting comments.

3. If A Behaviour Is A Deal-Breaker:

We not only need to communicate with the other person that we will not tolerate it again, we have to mean it. If the behaviour is repeated and we do not then follow through with our warning, we are clearly communicating that the behaviour is troublesome but not a deal-breaker.

Our messaging has to leave no room for doubt that it will be grounds for an instant breakup. Sad as it might be to exit the relationship at that point, not doing so (assuming the limit and the severity of the issue has been clearly communicated) will invite more of the behaviour going forward.

In short, the early stages of dating are those in which an unspoken contract is formed about the rules and conduct of the relationship going forward. The realities we establish in the early days, weeks, and months of a romance are likely to determine the nature of the relationship going forward.

Therefore, we have to be able to look beyond our excitement and enthusiasm, assess the behaviours and dynamics we are setting up, and address potential problems in their infancy. Changing behaviours and dynamics once a relationship is established is far more difficult and the degree of change we can enact at that point is usually much smaller.

The biggest mistake we can make in the early part of a relationship is to overlook problems and hope to address them later on.

Dr Guy Winch’s blog was first featured on the website Psychology Today.
here. Dr Guy is a faculty member of A Higher Branch; you can read his profile here.

By Sam Makhoul

Valentine’s Day is celebrated across the globe every year. It is a day that brings couples together; a day that they show off their true love and desire for one another.

And as the years go on, Valentine’s Day grows bigger and bigger. But what exactly are you expected to do for your loved one on this particular day?

We uncover the true dos and don’ts when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

But First, What Is Love?

At A Higher Branch, we are expanding the scope of Valentine’s day. Love is not just about romance but also about love for self, love for family (including pets), love for friends, love for colleague sand love for humanity generally, including strangers and the customers we serve or the random person that serves us.

A simple note of appreciation in an email or kind words in person or over the telephone are unexpectedly nice and will make a person’s day. It’s that easy and yet so powerful.

As Dr Guy Winch says, love does not have to be grand. It’s in the little gestures and words to show people they are valued.

And remember that showing love to people who are nice is easy. Showing love to people you don’t know or who appear unfriendly is where true greatness lies. Often, they are the people who need our love the most.

The Dos And Don’ts On Valentine’s Day:

Don’ts:

• Don’t – Buy flowers
• Don’t – Say I love you
• Don’t – Book a restaurant 
• Don’t – Overspend on gifts
• Don’t – Post a Valentine’s Day picture on social media

Do’s:

• Do – Look at old photos together
• Do – Write each other a love letter of what you love about them
• Do – Pack a picnic or re-create your first date
• Do – Reminisce about your favourite moments and highlights reel
• Do – Cook your favourite meal together
• Do – Involve your children before their bedtime
• Do – Switch off the lights and technology, light candles and get intimate